She Never Gave Up

 

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”

- Confucius

Continuing from the last observation, March revealed something entirely new with Aisha. She was still settling into the new routine and environment, and slowly adapting. We continued working on social interaction and communication. She was not engaging fully yet, but it was clearly improving.

Then I began noticing something very unusual. Aisha would engage for a moment in something with me - and then suddenly disengage. It looked as if she had lost interest. But a few minutes later, often after two or three minutes, she would come back asking for the very same thing again. On the surface, it looked confusing - interest, then no interest, then interest again. But after months of working closely with her, I had learned that behavior often hides something deeper.

This month’s write-up is about that pattern, what I believe was happening underneath it, and how we responded.

Unlike the earlier posts, this one is less about specific activities and more about observation, interpretation, and learning. I’ll also link relevant research wherever helpful, so it can serve as a practical reference for caregivers like me.

The Behavior -

While working on social interaction with Aisha, I began noticing one repeated pattern this time. We would start an activity, share a brief back-and-forth moment, and then almost immediately she would break the loop and walk away 😆. And just like that, the interaction would stop. She might roam around the house, go to the balcony, or shift to something else entirely. I would often begin wrapping up, assuming she was no longer interested.

But then, a few minutes later, she would suddenly return and try to continue from exactly where we had left off or try to connect with me.

Soon I started seeing the same pattern in daily routines as well. For example, she would ask for a clip while getting ready, I would offer her a choice, and she would walk off 😆. Then after some time, she would come back expecting the clip as if the interaction had never ended!

This was the first time I had noticed something like this so clearly. But after the last few months of working closely with her, I had learned not to stop at the surface behavior. It looked like loss of interest - but it didn’t feel like true disinterest. Something else seemed to be happening underneath.

That curiosity led me into a fascinating area of research: Interaction Synchrony.

Interaction Synchrony - 

The Social Reciprocity milestone is a beast of its own, even though it appears very early in developmental ladder in a child. From the outside, it can look simple - taking turns, replying, staying in a brief back-and-forth moment. But underneath, the child may be managing many demands at once: attention, timing, communication, reading the other person, planning a response, staying regulated, and coordinating actions in real time.

In many ways, several systems are trying to work together at once. That is where the idea of interaction synchrony becomes interesting - the ability of two people to stay coordinated in timing, rhythm, and response during an interaction. If that coordination is still developing, even a short exchange can carry more effort than it appears from the outside.

What I began to wonder was whether this was part of what I was seeing with Aisha. She would connect briefly, then disengage quickly, often by taking a walk or shifting away. It did not feel like rejection of the interaction. It looked more like her system stepping out for a moment, possibly to regulate and reset after the effort of staying coordinated.

Then, once settled again, she would come back and try to reconnect in her own way again.

Of course, this is only one possible interpretation. There can be many reasons why a child steps away - sensory needs, attention shifts, fatigue, motivation, or simple preference in that moment. But the pattern repeated often enough that it made me look beyond “lost interest” and consider whether the hidden effort of staying socially synchronized was playing a role.

And honestly, I found that extraordinary - how much can be happening underneath such a small moment right? 😊

Reference - Interaction Synchrony

Action Taken -

To keep the momentum going, I made a few simple changes.

Honor the walk - Whenever Aisha needed to disengage, I did not stop her. I let her step away and regulate in her own way. That space often allowed her to return on her own terms, which made the reconnection far more natural than forcing the moment.

Proprioceptive routines - We leaned on familiar proprioceptive activities that usually helped her feel more settled. When she was more regulated, the social interactions became smoother and easier to sustain.

Step back on demands - I reduced the pressure and returned to earlier wins. Familiar activities, lower expectations, and short five-minute interactions were enough. The goal was no longer to push progress, but to protect rhythm and keep connection positive.

Notes: One thing I came to appreciate more deeply was that regulation can look different from the outside. For some autistic individuals, it may look like stepping away, breaking eye contact, looking elsewhere, moving around, or shifting into another activity for a moment. These behaviors are often misunderstood as disinterest or non-compliance, when they may actually be ways of coping and self-regulating.

That is important for caregivers like us to notice. If we force eye contact, demand immediate responses, or block the child from stepping away, we may unintentionally interrupt the very process helping them regulate. 

Take Away: Sometimes the better response is not to pull them back in - but to allow them the space to come back themselves.

Repeated Regression Loops

Now a different observation, and maybe the most crucial observation from data. Below is data chart for Aisha's development of the reciprocity milestone throughout the month.

What caught my attention immediately was this: she appeared to go through three separate rollback phases.

The first came almost as soon as we began. Just when the skill seemed to be emerging, it dipped. Then it began to return - only to dip again. The third time, the same pattern repeated. But after that, something changed. The rollbacks became shorter, the stable periods became longer, and the skill slowly began to hold.

That pattern reminded me of an important idea in developmental psychology: learning is often not linear. New abilities can emerge through periods of inconsistency and temporary setbacks before they stabilize. Progress may look messy on the surface, but underneath it can still be moving forward!

What I found especially meaningful was that each return seemed stronger than the last. Aisha was not starting from zero each time. Something from the previous attempt appeared to remain. The system seemed to be learning, adjusting and gradually building capacity.

That is why the later rollback phases looked smaller, while the periods of steadiness kept increasing. Eventually, the skill began to stay present without slipping away so easily.

And to me, that made all the difference.

Because if I only looked at the surface, I might have called it regression or the child does not want to do it or she is tired or she lost the skill. But when I looked across time, it told a different story.

On the outside, it looked like struggle.
On the inside, it looked like persistence.

Key Insight - What sometimes appears to be regression may actually be the system reorganizing on the way to stability. And the most important insight? - YES, our children fight - often in ways we cannot immediately see 💪.

Analysis

The social reciprocity graph moved in a different rhythm. It came in waves - progress, rollback, recovery, then progress again. That made sense, because social reciprocity asks for more than communication alone. It requires staying connected to another person in real time, reading cues, timing responses, taking turns, and remaining regulated throughout. What stood out most was that even after the dips, Aisha kept returning stronger. By late March and into April, the graph showed longer periods of consistency, suggesting that the system was gradually building tolerance for the social load.

The communication graph tells a reassuring story. After the dip at the beginning of March, there was a sharp recovery through the next phase, followed by a clear plateau by mid-March. To me, this suggests that the earlier overload had affected expression more than actual ability. The language had not disappeared — it had simply become harder to access during a demanding period. Once Aisha became more settled and regulated, the short sentences began returning naturally and then held steady. That plateau was meaningful, because it showed the skill was no longer fragile. It had started to stabilize.

Correlation: Looking at both graphs together, an interesting pattern emerged. Communication appeared to stabilize first, while social reciprocity continued to fluctuate before settling later. It felt as though once language became steadier, more capacity was available for the harder work of connection. One system found its footing first, and the other slowly followed.

Conclusion

This month was full of learning for me and Aisha. There were breakthroughs and challenges. Till now I had only heard and believed that - Social skills are extremely hard for autistic individuals to learn, and that its a major bottleneck. After this month, I understand more clearly why. But I also understand something equally important: they can be developed.

Not all at once, and not by force.

We build them brick by brick - by noticing the hidden effort, respecting regulation, and understanding what may be happening beneath the surface. What looks small from the outside can require tremendous work from the child within.

And one thing became very clear to me this month: Aisha was trying all along. She was not giving up. She was learning in her own way - how to stay connected.

My role now is not just to teach skills, but to meet that effort and join the fight alongside her - armed with better understanding - and with a new lens.

By next month, I expect Reciprocity to reach a plateau, and we will begin a more advanced social milestone around peer play.

Also, next month marks six months into this journey. That post will be a special one 😉 so hang in there.

Till then, take care - JAI AISHA, and JAI to every ND child and individual fighting battles we may not always see. ✊

Development did not break, it just adapted

 

All progress takes place outside the comfort zone.

- Michael John Bobak

January was a month where things were ramping up. Joint attention was getting stronger, communication was improving, and Aisha had settled into a rhythm - she knew what to expect.

February, however, felt different.

A few things changed all at once - new environments, new routines, and new demands. And slowly, I started noticing that the flow we had built was no longer as stable as before. Something felt off.

This post is about that phase - how external changes can affect development, and what I learned while navigating it.

Here's what we focused on - 

Aisha had already plateaued in the Joint Attention - Initiation milestone. She was now confidently starting small activities like asking me to come - "Daddy come here", asking for help, even for small things like dance. I gave it a few more days for the skill to settle.

By the middle of the month, once the skill became consistent, I felt confident introducing social interaction work. Joint Attention had already created the foundation of shared attention and connection. From what I had been learning through NDBI approaches, this is typically where development begins to expand into social reciprocity - where the child not only shares attention, but starts participating more actively in back-and-forth interactions.

Social Skills - 

Aisha was now ready for this milestone - Using back-and-forth interaction socially, taking turns and responding within shared routines. 

I began to focus on keeping these interactions simple - staying in small shared moments, taking turns, and responding within familiar routines. Many of these elements had already started during Joint Attention, but now they needed to come together more socially.

At this stage, I was looking for simple signs - short exchanges, continuing actions, staying beside me during shared moments, and occasionally initiating interactions on her own. If she joined, responded, or stayed in the interaction - even for a few seconds - that was progress.

The goal was not to extend the interaction, but to help it exist - even briefly. That's the first step.

Example Reciprocity activity - Back & Forth Drawing

The goal of this activity was to create a simple back-and-forth interaction with a shared rhythm. I chose drawing because it was familiar to Aisha and gave me natural moments to pause.

We sat side by side, and I started drawing quietly. At certain points, I would pause midway and look at her expectantly. The pause itself became the invitation.

Sometimes she joined in immediately, sometimes after a few moments. If she didn’t respond, I simply continued and paused again. Slowly, she began to pick up the pattern and join in.

I kept the interaction short and pressure-free - no instructions, no corrections, and no attempt to turn it into a task. The focus was not on the drawing, but on the shared moment between us.

A short video on how I did it with her using pauses. 

Communication - 

By this time, Aisha had started using two-word combinations more consistently. So we transitioned to the next milestone - Using short sentences to express needs and feelings.

The focus here was not on grammar or long conversations, but on building functional language. I was looking for simple, meaningful expressions - short phrases that helped her communicate what she wanted or felt. Even if they were repetitive or incomplete, as long as they expressed a real need, that was progress.

To make this natural, I built it into everyday routines. One simple pattern I used was building sentences around “I want.”

I want water
I want more water
I want juice
I want bedsheet
I want toilet
I want dinner

This was also the first time Aisha began to use her own voice more clearly. Whenever she said a single word like “water,” I would pause, model the full phrase - “I want water” - and then immediately give it.

We followed the same pattern for feelings and simple responses like “yes” and “no.” (protests)

Over time, these small, repeated moments helped her move from single words to short, meaningful sentences - without pressure, and within everyday routines.

When Things Started Changing - 

While working on these daily routines, I began to notice something unsettling. Skills that had felt stable were starting to fade. It felt eerily similar to what I had seen in December - the early signs of regression.

This began around the middle of the month. At first, I couldn’t quite place what was different.

But looking back, a lot had changed - and it had all changed at once.

Aisha’s school had shifted to a new premises. The environment was completely different, even though the people remained the same. Around the same time, we moved to a new house, and her therapy timings also changed.

Individually, none of these felt significant. But together, they created a completely new rhythm.

Aisha, as always, absorbed it quietly. But after about a week, I began to see the impact. Her engagement dropped, responses slowed down, and the skills we had been building started to feel less accessible.

On top of this, I had introduced a new social milestone along with the next level of communication. The overall cognitive load had increased - even if I hadn’t realized it at the time.

Slowly, things began to feel heavier. And this pattern continued through the rest of February.

Below are the data points for both the social and communication milestones.

Below is the communication milestone -   

When I looked at both graphs together, something became clearer. Communication initially rose, showing new words and combinations, but soon after, both communication and social engagement began to dip around the same time.

This shift wasn’t isolated. It aligned with a period where a lot had changed - a new house, new routines, and the introduction of a new social milestone.

Insights - 

What the graphs revealed was not a loss of skill, but a system under adjustment. As the brain worked to adapt to new environments and integrate new social demands, communication temporarily reduced in frequency. The ability was still there - but the expression became quieter while everything else stabilized.

On the outside, however, it looked very different. Engagement dropped. Responses slowed down. Fatigue increased. There were moments of dysregulation and meltdowns. It looked like regression.

But something deeper was happening. Aisha was not losing skills - she was reorganizing under a new load.

This time, I was able to see it differently. Having gone through a similar phase before, I recognized the pattern. And that understanding took the pressure off completely.

What I began to truly understand was how deeply external factors can influence development. Changes in environment, routine, or even small changes can affect regulation — especially in neurodiverse children.

The skills don’t disappear. They become less visible. Attention drops, responses slow down, and engagement fluctuates. Sometimes it shows up as restlessness, sometimes as withdrawal, and sometimes as meltdowns.

What looks like regression is often the system trying to cope.

So instead of pushing forward, I stepped back. I returned to activities Aisha was already comfortable with - routines she understood and patterns she enjoyed.

By now, I had built a small library of such activities. Going back to them helped both of us reset, rebuild confidence, and allow the system to stabilize again.

Looking back, February taught me something important - development is not just about what we teach, but also about the conditions in which learning happens. Only the systems that adapt to ever changing conditions are the ones that truly sustain.

And Aisha has shown one of the strongest signals so far - Development did not break, it just adapted. 

In the next post, I’ll talk about something deeper that emerged while working on social skills - something that needed a closer look on its own.

Till then, cya - and thank you for being part of this journey.